Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
