I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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