My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
