There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
