You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Randomize
