sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
