hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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