Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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