i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
