We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
