Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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