Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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