I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
