When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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