the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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