Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
