I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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