When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
why do cheetos always look like penises
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I have post one night stand depression
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
