sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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