Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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