I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
