I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
