Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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