Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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