a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
