I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
