I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
