Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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