Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Randomize
