I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
