I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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