i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
