No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
