I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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