He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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