It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.