just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.