His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Fuck appropriateness.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
