im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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