so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My breasts were aching with rage.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
