I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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