We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
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No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
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Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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