dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
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