I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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