Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
