im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
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she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
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You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize