They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
this hospital has no fireball
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
