I cannot find my penis.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
