yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
