I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
