got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
