i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
