Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
be right there i have to get my cape
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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