I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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