So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
