Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
