At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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