We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
