i think my tv is drunk
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
