I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
