I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
