Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
