Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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