I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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