Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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