New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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